And What Followed...

Monday, August 21, 2006

Day 46 (56) - Fighting from the inside out

Since I last wrote we got some news explaining why my WBC blood count has dropped so low, to neutropenic levels. We received the results from the marrow/graft test. It appears that, at this point, the transplant is not 100% successful….. yet. My blood is partly the donor's and partly my "old" marrow. I guess you could say there is a serious turf war going on inside me. The dueling WBC's, the cells that fight off infections and foreign bodies, are in battle with each other over who gets to stay. Civil War. Of course, in order for the transplant to work, we need the donor's marrow to graft.

When I got the news I just closed my eyes and took some deep breaths. This was not good. The doctor left the room to order another blood test, leaving the door open. I sat alone on the examination table watching my feet dangle. I could hear a woman sobbing into her cell phone in the courtyard below. Sunk into his wheelchair, an obese man pushed past my door, his oxygen tank trailing behind. The flourscent lights hummed above me and, on cue, the room began to spin. I focused on my breath again. Just a little more faith. Just a little more strength. Just a little more time. There is hope. It's strange to think that a part of me has to die in order for me to live.

I just want to thank everyone for all the cards, gifts and care packages. The encouraging e-mails, calls, and visits all add up to a blanket of love, wrapping me up in the good stuff.

You have all been a source of comfort as well as courage during the past several weeks. A bunch of savvy girlfriends even put together a huge "Diva box" and filled it with all sorts of luxurious goodies and sparkly stuff. Each day, for ten days, I'd reach into the box and open a new gift that would hint at a new brilliant life ahead. It was wonderful.

I'm sorry to be missing out on all the weddings, baby showers, house warmings, screenings, readings, concerts, birthdays and opening nights. I really wish I could be there. SO much has happened for so many of us in the last eight weeks. But
summer is almost over. I hope all of you are taking advantage of the time that is left to create some chocolate dip strawberry-topped memories.

Meanwhile, here is a poem that my friend Michelle wrote for me in a card included in the "Diva box". It was lovely, I had to share it. Like the poems says, I wish that all our "hearts will always remember…"

Much Love,

- - - - -

May you soon wander freely
Among life's lovely flowers
Reveling in the beauty
Of each joyous hour

May you soon stroll
Along your beloved seashore
Glowing under the warm sun
Enjoying the fury of the ocean's roar

May the coming of your summer
Soon be announced by the gentle turtledove
And may your heart always remember
Just how much you are loved.

-M Mirandon
August 2006

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