Recovery Time

It's hard to believe that less than 11 months ago I was told that I had less than a year to live. Now it's countdown to 2007.

At City of Hope yesterday, the latest results showed blood counts have stayed the same. A bit of calculating found that levels are:

White blood cells = 30% of a normal healthy person
Red blood cells = 60% of a normal healthy person
Hemoglobin = less than 60% of a normal healthy person
Platelets = less than 20% of a normal healthy person

No wonder I've been feeling so tired and out of it! Expressing impatience for my counts to go up, my oncologist DID point out that I was very lucky to be alive, in full-remission, without any major complications. Full-recovery is just going to take "some time".

Time.

I want so badly to live and get out there and fly, dance, climb, love, explore and BE. It's torturous, actually. But the risks are too great, so I have to sit, wait, hope, watch, rest and pray for my immune system to kick in and for cells to flourish. Time is precious, even when it means sacrificing some so that you can hopefully have more.

My doctor did say that one way to help blood counts & health (for anyone!) is to reduce the amount of stress in life. Most post-BMT survivors return to a home filled with loved ones to take care of the everyday. I have the challenge of living on my own. Over the last couple weeks, I experimented with the possibility of being as independent as possible and have learned
that, at this point, it is doing more harm than good. Simply doing the mundane such as dishes or laundry is a slow and deliberate process that leaves me worn out and on the couch for multiple catnaps a day. I hate to admit that I end up spending a lot of the day in bed.

So I humbly write this e-mail, of necessities and requests for help. And a solution to reduce the number of e-mails/calls for everyone.

Less stress… I hope.

Every Tuesday I need a ride to City of Hope. It's tricky to say how long the day will be. On a good day, the appointments will last 2-3 hours. On a bad day, 6-8 hours, though those days are very rare. Every once in awhile, I may need a lift to other appointments. Occasionally I may just drive myself if it's a quick trip and I'm feeling feisty and ambitious, but the less driving I do, the better.

Since I am my own caretaker and advocate, the YAHOO group Calendar will be used as a passive way to ask for help. Save the link below for easy access to the Calendar. If you feel like helping, want to visit or need a great excuse to drop by, check the calendar. Unless it is urgent or unusual, scheduled requests for help will not be sent out by e-mail.

I also need help with errands. I`m not exactly sure how to work that out. I guess if you happen to be in my neck of the woods, give me a call and maybe serendipity will step in. Or if you know that you will be going to Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, The Co-op, Cost-co, or any errand-type place (i.e. post-office, pharmacy, hardware store) and you'd like some company
or have time to pick something up, call or e-mail to let me know. I will probably need something too.

I know the holidays are here and everyone is crazy busy and I don't wish to inconvenience anyone. But if you feel like taking a break from the crowded rush & bustle and want to walk at the pace of healing, recovery and self-discovery, I got a nice hot cup of tea waiting.

One last request: Flu season is upon us so please, if you have the sniffles or any ills, it would be best to send Season's Greetings through non-physical contact avenues of love. Happy Holidays. Let's celebrate this Season of Love. And Blessings always. Looking forward to a bright New Year.

Much love,
Christine

P.S. Looks like I will be on TV again. I have a shoot with TLC tomorrow. Not exactly sure what it's all about, but we'll see...



"Measure your Life in Love"
A.Pascual

From Rob B - Happy Turkey Day from C

Happy Turkey Day all,

I spoke with Christine last night for about an hour and she asked me to give everyone an update on how she is doing. First of all, she sounds amazing and is in good spirits. She loves being home but is still adjusting to her new old life. All of the wonderful phone calls and e-mail's are still reaching her and she is grateful for every one of them. But part of her recovery process is to take things easy and not over tax herself. Just going to the market to pick up an item requires an hour and a half nap afterwards. This is mainly due to the fact her red blood cell count is still very low and I am sure that those of you who have donated blood in the past know how tired you get afterwards. So she is currently trying to build her count back up and until she does, even the smallest chore exhausts her.

All of the messages that she is receiving are being read, but she doesn't quite have the energy to respond to all of them. I had a friend who had to rebuild their blood in much the same way Christine does and he told me that it does take some time and quite a bit of eating to accomplish. But keep those well wishes coming for they are much appreciated and eventually we shall hear from our special friend.

Again, she is doing well, her spirit is positive as always, and her commitment is strong. If anyone has any specific questions, please feel free to write back. Until then a very tired Christine and I wish everyone a very Happy and well fed Thanksgiving.

Rob

From Barak - Video Links to CBS TV News stories

Did you miss Christine on CBS?

The story was called "Culver City Woman Gets Marrow Transplant."

CBS 2 and KCAL 9 are sister-stations so it ran on both channels Sunday night. Click HERE to watch the video.

http://www.cbs2.com/video/?id=28919@kcbs.dayport.com

Also attached is the previous story link for "Culver City Woman Needs
Bone Marrow To Live." Click HERE to watch.


Barak R

On TV tonight!

Hey all,

It's 6:00pm Sunday night and I just got off the phone with CBS and they are coming RIGHT NOW with a camera crew to interview me. The segment airs TONIGHT!

Also, I will be interviewed tomorrow at the KSCI studios for their Thanksgiving special. The taping is tomorrow but I'm not sure exactly when the show will air.

xo,
Christine

Donor letter has to be anonymous

Stop the Presses!!! BM, a very aware friend and City of Hope post-transplant survivor cautioned about some of the limitations of writing a thank you letter to the donor:

"My donor didn't get a hat that I included because it had an American flag on it. I wasn't allowed to include anything that hinted at who I was or where I was from..... The receiving hospital will probably screen everything..... and eliminate anything that is 'locational'."

Because BOTH identities of the donor and patient must remain anonymous for at least one year, we have to be careful not to leave any clues that may reveal who I am or where I live. WE aren't even supposed to know that my donor is from China. Someone goofed and the privileged information accidentally slipped out of his/her mouth. Oops!

Soooo... obviously NO names, NO locations... even country should not be mentioned in the letter. No mention of any aspect of my story or the fact that I was on TV or written about in newspapers and magazines. NO clues whatsoever that could indicate anything more than my age and that I am female. Sections of your letter may be blocked out or your entire letter
may be rejected if there is revealing information.

I hope this hasn't hindered anyone's desire to write. My adivce is to just write from the heart. Love. All you need is love. :)

-Christine

I am in tears as I write this from home!! And still in a daze and overjoyed by this major turning point. We did it! To reiterate:

MRI Scan- Clear
CT Scan - No indication of disease.
PET Scan - No abnormal uptake.
Marrow – No indication of Lymphoma
Graft - Results pending
Prognosis - Promising

As I turned the key to my door, I was overwhelmed by the thought that I was truly lucky and blessed to be walking THIS threshold and not "the other". I entered and found my apartment stuffed with gifts and cards and photographs. I fell to my knees and cried and sent out love and thanks in all directions. Before long my neighbors came over with hugs and cookies.

I am savoring every little moment and inhaling each and every sweet/bitter/sour/salty taste on my tongue. Everything is fascinating and beautiful. The pitch-black silhouette of palm trees against a blue-orange sky, the hazel eyes of the check-out clerk at Trader Joe's, the thick aroma of Korean-tofu soup, the glowing faces of friends and the sound of my family laughing again. TC came to visit tonight and gave me my first homecoming gift: A solid-body mahogany electric guitar complete with Marshal amp and all the trimmings! Woo-hoo!

Though I no longer will be a resident at City of Hope, I am still a patient. The recovery phase can be slow and the doctors will be monitoring my condition weekly. But at this very moment my body is free and crystal clear and it just feels DELICIOUS.

I would not be here writing this had not a complete stranger on the other side of the world agreed to donate his marrow to another complete stranger on the other side of the world. Though he was only a partial-match, he was my one and only hope. If he had refused to donate, I would have not lived through the summer. His gift of life made him my hero. I am not allowed to know his identity for the first year of the transplant, but I am allowed to send one single letter. After one year,
if he agrees, we will meet.

Though the donation center said that I could only send one letter to this hero of ours, they didn't limit to how long it could be. ;) Each member of my family plans to contribute to this great Thank-You letter and we decided to open it up to anyone who wants to be a part of it. If you'd like to thank this man for saving my life, please e-mail the message to me and I will paste it in along with my words. Or send a card or letter by snail-mail and I'll personally wrap together the bundle of love and mail it in one big package. I won't open sealed letters. We will post selected open letters and thanks anonymously on the website so that others can see what a single person, in a single act, can do to make a difference in this world. Hopefully it will inspire others to do the same.

After my last e-mail, I was sent this quote about "Providence" and just had to share:

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have
dreamt would have come his way. "
-William Hutchison Murray


Fear just isn't worth it.

Much much love,
Christine

P.S. My mother will finally go home on the 13th and from there, I'm flying solo. I am still in a weakened and vulnerable state so I'm going to be asking for alot of help.

In the meanwhile, my first big outing will be this Friday, November 10 at the NuArt in Santa Monica for the opening of F**K (a documentary I had a hand in co-producing before the relapse). There will be screenings at 5, 7:30 and 10pm, and Q&A afterwards with director Steve Anderson at the 5pm and 7:30. I plan to attend the 7:30 screening. Even if you cannot make it on Friday, the film will be playing all weekend and until November 16th, including matinees. For the NuArt calendar schedule, please visit: http:// www.landmarktheatres.com/Market/LosAngeles/LosAngeles_Frameset.htm

It's good to be back.

Providence!

EVERYBODY!!!!!!

I am between hospital appointments but I have to share this right now. Remember how I said that life can be sudden and unpredictable?

Bad news: The sample from my bone-marrow biopsy (that contained the info that I've been biting my fingernails about for the last two weeks) somehow got LOST. The lab doesn't have it and no one can find it. That's why the results seemed to be taking so long. No test was ever done!!!

My blood counts may be low, but they are hanging in there, so the doctors do not feel it is necessary to do another biopsy. (whew!) Instead, we drew blood for an HLA test today. Results to come next week.

Good News: After 134 days, I am finally breaking out of this cocoon and GOING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (As soon as tomorrow!!!!)

Better News: I am going home a HEALTHY and happy cancer-free girl!!

Best news: It's an effin' MIRACLE!!!

Look out world!

More later.

Love, Hugs & Kisses too!
Christine

Day 119 - (129 Days in hospital) Update

Wow. I've been in the hospital for 129 days. Holy peach pits. That's longer than a semester in college. That's longer than it takes to write a Hollywood script (based on a best-seller). That's longer than Boy George's much-buzzed-about musical "Taboo" played on Broadway. That's longer than the ENTIRE official NFL season.

Life is always in transition and in the 129 days that I have been sequestered away, so much has happened.

Some of us joined into marriage to begin a new life, some of us moved to another state to start all over. Some of us were devastated with the loss a loved one. While quite a few were blessed with a baby boy or girl. (One of us, who was told she could not have children because of her marrow transplant, is now pregnant with twins!) Some hearts were broken and some new loves were found. Some of us traveled far to walk through ancient ruins and bask in exotic suns. While some of us focused on the nest and re-discovered ourselves. The home of one my family members burned to the ground. While another friend built his dream second home in the mountains.

In 129 days, two friends who were of my greatest cheerleaders, supporters and activists were suddenly and unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer. They lived the last weeks of their lives fully, grasping every moment, not withholding words of love, holding the hands of those who loved them, those who stayed at their side every step of the way. In the time they had left on earth, they lived a much-lived life. With grace, they stepped up, faced forward and did not run away from their fears.

I've said this before and I'll say it again: Life can be sudden and unexpected and your whole world can open up or be crushed in a split second. We all live in uncertainty, but it is in the unknown that ANYTHING is possible. Trust in the uncertain. I think of how different just my one little life was one year ago, before the relapse. The hopes and expectations of how 2006 "should" have been. I was excited to start a life anew, but cancer, for the second time, took that dream away. For a moment, I thought all was lost and that this story would end dark like a Greek tragedy. I'm glad that I was wrong. I look back now and see that I HAVE started a new life. Not the glossy romanticized drunken bohemian picture painted in my head, but one that is true, honest and real, rich and meaningful. 2006 was not what I thought it should be. It was so much more.

I've spent the majority of the last two weeks in bed. It is taking a long time to get up from the serious knockdown from earlier this month. I can't believe it's November already. I'm on even MORE medication, which has turned my brain into oatmeal. I feel like a zombie underwater. But I reached a MAJOR milestone today. I ate breakfast OUTSIDE. For the first time, I am allowed out of my room WITHOUT a heavy surgical mask! Yes, under the trees, in the grass, with nothing between my lungs and the luscious air. Small steps, though. I still have to wear a mask in the hospital or if I find myself in a crowd. It's flu season, so we have to be careful: visitors still ought to wash hands and wear masks and I can't do any huggin' or kissin' until my blood counts get a little higher. Baby steps. It's so vital yet so torturous!!!

Another wonderful milestone: I can EAT OUT!!!!!!!!! I am no longer on a restricted diet! Though again, baby steps. I'm now on a "cautious" diet. No sushi, restaurant salads, medium-rare steaks or buffets. Only thoroughly cooked food in uncrowded restaurants. But, oh the joy of a fine meal and fine conversation with my beautiful friends!!! I can't wait!!

At City of Hope, they held a Halloween parade for all the pediatric patients. These sweet kids and their families gathered at Helford, the main building and then followed a path around the hospital dotted with candy stops, manned by costumed staff from the many departments on campus. The little patients looked like any Trick-or-Treaters: vampires, Cinderellas, pirates, angels and ghouls. The only things that gave away the fact that these adorable faces were fighting cancer were the wheelchairs and I.V. poles. But their eyes shone with the same excitement and glee of any child as they would stop at a desk or a gaggle of nurses and get handfuls of candy. Many of the kids used pillowcases swiped off their own hospital beds. There was so much love and preciousness in the air. All we wanted to do was help these kids feel normal. To feel like they were still a part of this world, this celebration, and this life. It was the best Halloween party I ever went to.

We still have not received the final results of the marrow graft test, but early summaries have shown that there is NO INDICATION OF LYMPHOMA. Now we are waiting to hear if the graft is still holding on and how well the marrow is performing. So far, its performance has been far less than the doctors have hoped for, but they are delighted that I am still alive and kicking. A miracle. Truly a miracle. Prayers WORK.

I am so happy to be alive and I can't wait to start living again. My desire is to be the proverbial "bird out of a cage", "first out of the gate", "man with a mission", but I have been told that going home is merely the next small step in my recovery process. "Whoa, Nelly" is the message I'm getting from doctors and fellow BMT survivors. There is still that "50% mortality rate at 6 months" statistic looming over my head. I'm at Day 119. That leaves another 61 days to go to beat the odds of the next stage. Every day is a coin toss.

Simple pleasures. Soul connection. Meaning. Love, laughter and joy. (And occasional moments of complete nonsense just to stir things up a bit.) That, for me, is enough for now. Enjoy this Autumn. Its wonders. Its snap. Its crispness. We are blessed.

Much love,
Christine P

P.S. Thanks to everyone who came to the Oct 28 Fundraiser/Marrow Drive. It felt like a mini-reunion wrapped up into one big pre-Halloween party. Because of everyone's hard work and participation, it was a tremendous success!!!

From Rory - Helping a friend

Butterfly Lovers,

I had the honor of assisting Christine with some minor things on Sunday, and want to give you all an update and some information I gleaned.

For starters, I must say, she looked f**king amazing!!!!!!!! I mean it! She looked really, really great. And even though she got fatigued easily, she was up and at 'em the whole time I was there.

She could not say enough about the prayers from everyone and totally credits her friends and family (and even strangers) for her recovery. So please, keep praying. There is hard evidence that supports the power of prayer and Christine is well aware of it and a big believer. (A special shout out to those of you who have lit candles in churches including Italy, China, Greece, and France...she LOVED this!!!)

She also really appreciates simple emails, voicemails, and text messages--"Hey, I'm thinking about you and sending you love." But because she is so damn polite and accommodating, she feels obligated to return emails, messages, and texts. So please, be sure to let her know she doesn't need to respond and don't ask for an update. She needs all her strength to get well, and simple things like making a call or sending an email are literally exhausting for her. (If you want an update, visit her web site, www.SaveChristine.com, or post something on the yahoo group and someone will respond.) Give your love freely and generously and don't ask for nothin' in return.

When she does start accepting visitors, here's how to be the best visitor ever:

-Assure her you don't mind the drive and that it's not a big deal. (She doesn't want anyone to feel obligated or burdened. She doesn't realize it's a privilege and an honor.)

-Encourage her to take a walk outside and assure her you'll be fine to push her in her wheelchair if she gets tired.

-Bring organic bananas, oranges, and mangoes.

-Don't bring gifts just to bring gifts (it'll be more for her to pack and haul when she leaves). Obviously, if there is something you think she'd really love, bring it. But otherwise, don't bother.

-Offer to help her with everything over and over and over. She's too polite to say "yes" the first three times. Specifically, make her meals, wash her dishes, post an email to the yahoo group for her, send emails for her, and make phone calls for her. (Surely there are many more, but that's all I could get out of her.)

-Just be her friend and engage her mind and spirit. It gives her so much and is really invaluable.

Namaste,
Rory

From Joy S - "I saw Christine Today" poem

The wonderful and talented Joy S wrote this for me when she visited a few months ago whilst I was in the "bubble". Can't believe it's already been a few months. For those who do not know Joy S, she is a legally-blind, single-mother, cancer-survivor and one of the most beautiful and strong women I know.
-cp



I saw Christine Today

I barely glimpsed her silhouetted form
Through the window of her bone-marrow ward.
I could not see the covering on her head,
The pallor of her skin or eyes,
Or the fragility of her weakened body.
But I saw Christine today.
I looked into the window of her soul
And clearly saw her gentle spirit.
Her serenity and strength were evident.
I heard and felt her smiles and tears
As she read aloud with keen appreciation
The prayer I had written for her.
The rhythmic cadence of her voice
Made me momentarily forget
That here was a woman fighting for her life.
We gazed into each other's soul with wonder.
It was an electrifying connection of two kindred spirits
Who have known adversity and the triumph of faith.
My eyes could not look into Christine's eyes,
But I clearly saw into her soul today.
I cannot read the mind of God
Regarding Christine's future
But I know here is a soul
A being refined through suffering.


-Joy E. Walker Steward
July 27, 2006

Typed by Rory - Please pray for...

(Hi, I'm Christine's friend, Rory, and I'm typing this for her as she dictates from bed):

I'm feeling a wee bit better this weekend, though quite tired right now and that's why Rory is typing for me. No real news to report, other than that the swelling is almost gone and it appears that the acute scary thing that happened is over. As you already know, the bone marrow biopsy is coming up this Tuesday and I just want to ask for everyone's prayers and good vibes. Here's specifically what I'd like for us all to pray for:

1. The marrow is still 100% donor graft.

2. The marrow is healthy and is producing lots of healthy cells.

3. That my white blood cell and platelet counts continue to improve.

4. That my red blood cells come into balance.

5. I can shake off this fatigue and be well enough to attend the marrow drive/fundraiser this Saturday.


I hope you can swing by the event and grab a burger and that you'll let all your friends know. Jerome and Debra from "Cinema Secrets" were on 100.3 The Beat today, promoting the event. And KBIG will be running promos all week, so the event will likely be a fun one!

My doctor says that IF my biopsy results are good and IF my blood counts rise, that I may be able to go home in two to three weeks. "I think I can, I think I can…" :)

Much love,
Christine

From Brian - irving quote

Christine, I was just reading the following words by Washington Irving and I immediately thought of you:

"There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire,
which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity;
but which kindles up,
and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity."


Countless blessings,

Brian

Medicated

(Warning: Still under medically-enhanced mental crush. Apologize for any loopy-ness that follows.)

This has been quite the ride.
I feel like I am the lithium in my bi-polar life.
To mis-quote Jessica Rabbit:
"I'm not bi-polar, my life is just drawn that way."
Up. Down. Life. Death. Love. Disappointment. Bitter. Sweet.
Victory. Defeat. And Victory again.

C'est la vie.

I'm just looking forward to raising that glass of wine in San Gimignano, Italy.
"L'Chaim!"

Though I am joyously overwhelmed with the amazing "you're cancer-free" news from Monday, my body is still clearing the debris from last week and preparing for the bone-marrow biopsy procedure on Tuesday. It's like doing back-to-back triathlons whilst completely inebriated.

I just can't get over how bone-tired and worn out I am. This is sooooooo not me. It takes work to sit up again. I'm scuffling around like Grandma Moses. I can't even write. I think the nuclear powered medications they gave me last week fogged up my head and short-circuited some synapses. But I think I'm getting better. The swelling has gone down considerably. My blood counts are slowly climbing back up again. Whew!

A doctor said it well when I confronted her about the fact that we still DON'T KNOW what it was or what is happening:

"Well, would you rather we NOT know what it is, try to do something about it and it go away, or that we identify exactly what it is and not be able to do anything about it?"

Well put.

I'm starting to fade out…. Need more sleep. Thank you for the continued messages and prayers. They're definitely working. I love you guys.

Hugs,
Christine


P.S. I like this quote and wanted to make clear that it has nothing to do with the ride request. I read it as " Do the good that you can and do not fear."

- - - - -

I am only one,
But still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
But still I can do something;
And because I cannot do everything
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.

-Edward Everett Hale

From Rebecca - Still very weak

Just a quick note that Merry C and I spent the day/night with Christine yesterday. She is still very weak and is really just needing people to help her with food and cleaning up. We spent the day grocery shopping, organizing her pantry and refrigerator and cleaning up A LOT of dishes……

She is doing better, she ate a whole big plate of stir fry and brown rice and miso soup, what a trooper! We spent the evening just talking about stories in regards to our lives over the past years.

She wanted me to write real quick to let you know that she is still very tired and weak and isn’t really taking visitors but knows that you are all thinking about her. She looks towards another big milestone next week.

Keep her in your mind….

-Merry and Rebecca

From Julia - PET scan results

Dear everyone--

I was lucky enough to see Christine yesterday (Monday) afternoon. I wasn't visiting exactly; she's still too weak for visitors. But I was there to kind of accompany her to a few appointments, wash a few dishes, etc.

She had a PET scan before I arrived and while I was there she had some blood work drawn. Most of the time was spent waiting in various halls to hear about the results of these tests. Mainly we talked and caught up. While she seemed in good spirits, it was clear she was tired and still wiped out from her recent illness.

Finally we got called in and Dr. Nademanee, her doctor, appeared. We were in a small room, which Christine said was the room where she got all of her news--good and bad. She was waiting to hear about 2 things: if the PET scan showed any cancer in her body and whether her blood counts were still really low (which would mean she'd have to have an infusion).

On both counts, Christine got GREAT news. First of all, the PET scan showed that she is cancer-free. Cancer-free! This was the only time I saw Christine kind of break down. She was so relieved and happy. I didn't realize it but had the PET scan showed any cancer at all, it would have meant Christine had only months to live. My understanding is that out of all the people who have had transplantss and lived on, none had cancer at Day 100. All the ones who did simply didn't survive.

This means that Christine still has a fighting chance. This girl is a walking miracle.

The other happy news was that her blood counts went up. I think they're still not great, but they were good enough that she was able to go back to the village instead of having to stay and have infusions. So we took a little tram back from the hospital to the village and celebrated Christine's victory with ice cream.

Christine was still feeling so wiped out that she didn't have the energy to email. So I hope I'm doing her justice with this account. I don't know how to convey how much emotion there was when she found out there was no cancer in her. She's still not out of the woods yet--next week, she'll take another important test which will determine if the graft is producing enough blood cells. But I can't imagine anything beating her, I really can't.

So keep praying, everyone! And let's focus it on that graft producing lots and lots of healthy blood cells. And a big thank you to everyone on Christine's behalf.

julia

Poem by Sliva

Christine Sliva wrote this poem last Spring after helping me through another despondent day of not finding a miracle match. She didn't share it with me until now. I think its message can apply to any of us, at least once or twice in our lives. Thanks for the beautiful words, Sliva...

-CP


You Are...

Have you already forgotten the greatness of your strength?
Think of all you have been through
And you are still here.
Not untouched by pain,
Not untouched by love.
You are the meaning of courage,
The image of beauty.
Do not cry for what is lost
But allow tears of joy to fall from your eyes.
You are a warrior
Armed with the power of hope.
Nothing is more inspiring
Than who you are.
You have fallen but refused to stay down.
Again and again you have fought
And are still standing.
I remember a saying:
"It's not brave if you're not scared."
You are the bravest person I know.
Refusing to live a life in fear,
You move forward.
Living in the moment,
Letting go of yesterday
And not counting on tomorrow.
You cherish each bird that graces the sky,
Showing you true bliss exists.
You are much stronger
Than you give yourself credit for.
You are a blessing, my friend.

-C Sliva
3/11/06

I love you and think of you all the time. Keep living, keep loving, keep praying. I am.
LOVE ALWAYS,
Christine Sliva

Day 100 - Clung to life

Well I am glad to still be here, but the last place I expected to be on "Day 100" is HERE, writing this particular e-mail from inside the hospital, hooked up to the 7-foot I.V. poles AGAIN, with my cheeks swelled up like the blueberry-girl in Willy Wonka. I swear, I cannot even recognize my face in the mirror. I'm a walking bobble-head. It is absolutely freaky. Like, imagine Eddie Murphy's stunning make-up job in "The Nutty Professor" but WITHOUT the fat-suit. FREAk-Kyyyy. (Okay, maybe not THAT bad, but upsetting nonetheless!)

While the doctors have not been able to explain what happened or what is wrong, at least they have been able to treat all the icky symptoms that have stormed in this week. There was one point where it felt like my feet were on fire, all my fingers were cramping into their own violent mudra, my abdomen felt like there were steak knives plunged into it, there was a sledgehammer in my forehead, my eyes were swollen shut and I was shaking like James Brown on crack, ALL at the SAME time. Honestly, at that moment I thought it was over, and as I began to make peace with it, the fever broke.

Today was my first day without painkillers. I was simply and absolutely delighted but depleted, and conscious enough to catch up on the emotional part of the last few days. The best way to describe it is that feeling you have just after a car-accident or an earthquake. Sort of the "what-the-heck-just-happened-oh-my-god-I-could-have-died" restlessness and irrepressible desire to cling to someone or something or life itself. What I clung to was everyone's messages and prayers… visualizing our interconnectedness with each other… and focusing on the faith, hope, trust and love you just GOTTA to
believe in to make it through.

Some good did come out of this. All the tests that were done have presumptuously pointed to the fact that today I am DISEASE FREE: meaning there's not single a blip of physical cancer inside! There is one more test we have to do on Monday. The PET scan. The big one. It measures not physical things like tumors, but big C "activity". Sort of like the MI5, the PET scan can warn of enemy activity and imminent threats. I hope they come up with nothing. They are also scheduling another "marrow graft" test soon. I hope they come up with something good.

There is a rumor going around the 5th floor today that I may be discharged and sent back to "the village" in the next day or two. This is neither good news nor bad, neither a promising sign nor a troubling one. It just is. I am still just as vulnerable and swollen as I was at the beginning of the week, but because the doctors don't know what else to do, they are sending me back to the village in hopes that everything clears up on its own. (Now I know why they call this place "City of Hope".) They also assured it would be better to be sequestered in the village because it was less likely that I would be exposed to a hospital infection. At this point, I am just focusing on making it to the next day.

Thank you thank you thank you so much for the continuing prayers and messages. I cannot even begin to describe how vital they are to the healing. I know this is not easy for anyone, and it must be tiring after pushing through your own struggles to read and pray for someone else's. Now that's what I call Heroic. I am tearfully thankful to know that I am not alone in this room. And I'm wishing and sending out nothing but love. Nothing but Love.

xo,
Christine

P.S. This has obviously been very hard on my mother. Everyone involved has agreed that she needs to take a break. So she is leaving for a week starting tomorrow. My father will return with her. And we'll take it from there.

update from JT - Christine still in rough patch

Today Christine’s worn out and feels physically “broken” by the events of the last few days. The acute pain and burning have subsided, but she remains in great discomfort. The swelling is still pretty bad. She’s having an easier time breathing. She can talk a bit but it takes great effort. Her white blood cells are dangerously low and the usual injections don’t seem to have any effect. This is more cause for concern than the swelling.

Her doctors have yet to figure out what is wrong. She’s back in isolation. She’s obviously scared but encouraged that a few of the bad scenarios were crossed off the list. But her Mom asked to continue to pray for Christine because they can’t say if she’s merely fighting something temporary or something worse. She is having more tests today, including a second CT scan.

Now Christine, I hope you don’t mind me stepping in here, but I have to put my two cents in:

I know everyone is chomping at the bit to see Christine but she is really in a rough patch and needs all her strength to get through this. I heard that a couple people stopped by unannounced and while her Mom says it is a nice gesture, Christine is left more drained than before. You know she will never say no to a party or to a friend. No matter how bad a day she is having she will always be there for you. She is a saint and while we all love her for that, it can backfire in this situation. So we have to be responsible here and give her some room so she can get up and better.

That said, her Mom says she’s boosted by everyone’s prayers and messages. Keep ‘em coming!

-jt

update from JT - Keep those prayers coming

this just in...

Christine's fighting an as yet undiagnosed severe infection and/or allergic reation and/or graft versus host disease and/or early indications of graft failure. (pray that it is definitively not the last two)

Her head and upper torso have swelled up so bad that she can barely talk or move. Her pain is addressed with potent sedatives and bags of ice. Her face and lips are so swollen that she has difficulty breathing and eating.

She is to have an MRI of her brain and a CT scan of her entire body taken today.

She is too sick to respond to calls/e-mails or have visitors but she's awares of everyone's prayers.

The doctors are running a gamut of tests on her but everything so far has come up inconclusive.

The good news is her fever broke and her blood pressure is coming down to normal.

Keep those prayers coming!

-jt

msg from Doug - Fight On

Hey Christine,

You are so strong and wonderful, I don't see how this can stop you. You've been through this fight for so long and have won so many battles against such crazy odds, that you have to win. I believe it. Everyone who knows you believes it. Every post you get is a testament to that. Every person who knows you and loves you is proof. I can only imagine how scared you are right now. But you don't have to be. If you need strength, just think about your friends and family who you've touched and are with you. We are an ARMY, and you are not alone. You got so much love, there ain't nothing can stop you.

You will win.

Love,
Doug