I was at City of Hope today. My blood counts are holding but we discovered a new complication. I have practically no hormones in my body, minimal enzymes, probably no endorphin-type guys either. My pituitary gland may be completely shut down and my thyroid might be next. So I'm up for another battery of tests very soon.
This explains the dry skin, the fact that I have no hunger or thirst reflex, why my mood has been lower than usual, why I feel dull and yet over-sensitive, and why Hugh Jackman just doesn't do it for me anymore. No wonder I haven’t been myself lately. Again, things might look okay on the surface, but it will take some time for my whole-self to completely heal. I trust that everything will come back into balance eventually. Our bodies are miraculously self-healing. When you cut yourself, you don’t have to worry and focus and meditate on the cut healing itself. You just KNOW it will, and you go on with your life and *voila* one day you look and the cut is healed. You didn’t see it or make it happen. It just happened. The same principles are at work even with the most traumatic of wounds. Our bodies are infinitely intelligent and incredibly resilient. All we need is time.
I had a very tearful, (in a good way) Mother's Day. With my Mom in New York, we talked on the phone for over an hour. We recounted last year and how we both tried to be strong for each other, as we desperately chased away the fear that this would be our last time together. There was so much love and support coming from everywhere, but it was my Mother who was in the trenches with me, who sacrificed so much just to stand by my side, who drove me insane with her worry but then brought me back to sanity with her faith and inner strength. To think that this was the FOURTH time she had to go through the nightmare of watching a child suffer through cancer; twice with me, once with my brother and again with my sister. And yet she remains as passionate about life, as trusting in God, as light in her heart, as mischievous as a little girl and as beautiful in her soul as on the day she married my father. (They just celebrated their 38th Wedding Anniversary.) She is my inspiration.